December 07, 2011

An Ache in My Soul

Today is a difficult day. I'm not sure why, it started out the same as any other day, but today there seems to be a deeper ache in my soul. An aching and longing to hold my son in Africa just as I am holding Kipton now. My heart was not prepared for this sort of turmoil. To know that my second son is living half a world away without my hugs, encouragement and love is truly breaking my heart.

This adoption is so different than my pregnany with Kipton. He and I had a special bond from the moment he was conceived. I was comforted knowing that my body was keeping him alive and growing. He was warm and comfortable in my womb. He could be lulled to sleep by the thuds of my heartbeat and the muffled voices of his mom and dad. He was secure. We even had a timeline as to when we could expect to welcome him into our family. We prepared during those months of pregnancy to make sure he had everything he would need and more when he was born. It was predictable, comfortable and natural.

Kade's entrance is far from predictable and that doesn't make for a very comforted mama. I know that he is probably already born to a woman who won't be able to keep him. This woman will love my son without a doubt for he is her son too, but she'll have to make a great sacrafice to give him a chance at a better life. For whatever reason, be it severe poverty, sickness, AIDS, she will not be the one he calls mama. I will, but I do not know when that day will be. I do not know if he has the comforts of knowing the love of family or the luxury of a warm bed and full belly. I do not know if he will immediately form a special bond with me or if my voice will lull him to sleep, like Kipton. I do not know if he will find comfort in me. However, I do know that my heart wants to fly to Africa and hold every little boy who might could be mine and try to offer comfort and hope. I do know that no matter how long this process may seem with no end in sight, God sees the end. He knows the exact month, day, hour and second when Trey and I will lay eyes on Kade and embrace him as our son. He knows every single circumstance that is leading up to Kade's relinquishment from his birth mom and adoption into our family. He knows the longing of my heart and He is the only one who I can find comfort in.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4

LORD, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them.
Psalm 10:17

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Deuteronomy 31:8

Dear Kade,
Mommy, Daddy and Kipton think about you every day. We are constantly praying for your health, comfort, safety and quick arrival in your new family. It will be a joyous day when you are finally a Phillips. We love you more than you can imagine.

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